Parenting, the Lord, and other such wonderful things.

Now that things have finally settled down, I would like to share with all of you how the past few months have been. There has been so much joy, so much pain, so much uncertainty, and so much grace. It’s all too much to explain over a cup of coffee or through a blog, but I want to give credit to Whom it is due, and also share the things I have been learning.

Parenting is amazing. Can I just say that? Being a mommy has taught me more patience, understanding, compassion, and “lettting go” than I ever imagined. Being a nanny for a long time sort of prepared me for it, but I never knew it would be this GOOD!

I still remember when we first brought her home. So tiny, so vulnerable, but ours. Ours! (I am still wrapping my mind around the fact that I get to keep her.) I spent night after night waking up to an alarm to feed a sleepy baby that could barely eat through the lethargy. I would have to strip her down to her diaper and blow on her tummy to keep her awake. Otherwise, the girl never would have eaten. And then there was the reflux. She would spit up a ton if we laid her flat, so she slept in a bouncy seat so she would be on an incline. I slept on the couch so Josh could get a full night’s sleep since feeding alarms went off every 2 hours. I was tired. No, I was exhausted. I was already in the negative from being in the hospital myself and then being with her for 5 weeks in the NICU. But my patience (almost) never wore thin, and my love for this little baby grew and grew. On those late nights when I was beyond my breaking point with fatigue, I would think of Mary. I would think of how she must have treasured Jesus. I would think of all that she had been through to give birth to him. And I would think about how, if it weren’t for Jesus, I wouldn’t even being holding this little baby in my arms at all. That was what got me through, and still gets me through, every day.

I have had a greater understanding of grace since meeting our “big girl”. I know that if it weren’t for God, she wouldn’t be here. It was a miracle to me that my midwives caught that she wasn’t growing because had they not caught it, she would have died in my tummy before my next appointment. And when she was born, her lungs were in much better shape than we expected. (I could hear her screaming down the hall, through closed doors!) She was bigger than she should have been, too. Grace. It’s all grace.

Her stay in the NICU was long and hard, but we are so thankful for Texas Children’s Hospital and the staff there. Josh and I spent countless days driving to and from the hospital just to get to feed her or hold her or read a book to her. Some days were joyful, and others were heart-wrenching. On days when we would get bad news, I thought that I would never be okay again. It was hard to ever be happy for fear of the next day bringing devastating news. But we made it through! Aliza learned to eat on her own and control her own body temperature. She grew from 3 pounds, 7 ounces to 4 pounds, 10 ounces. And 5 weeks after she was born, she finally came home. We called her “wireless baby” for the first few days because we had never held her before unattached from wires, iv’s, and tubes. Josh danced around with her while holding her and said, “Look! I can move more than 3 feet with her in my arms!” That was a beautiful moment to see.

We know that if she had been born at any other time, and without modern medicine and technology, she wouldn’t be here. It is a sobering thought, but we know that it is all part of the Lord’s plan for Aliza.

In November, she had her surgery. I will never forget those moments before they took her out of our arms. She was wrapped in her brown and pink fleece blanket. I was holding back tears as I knew the inevitable was around the corner. I was scared to death. She was barely six pounds, and I knew the dangers of anesthesia. But I kept reminding myself that God had gotten her this far by His goodness, and will continue to do so. And what do you know? Surgery went as well as it possibly could have gone!

And then, in December, we got great news! I sat anxiously in the doctor’s office, hoping and praying that she might not need surgery. But I thought my hopes were far-fetched. When her doctor told us that she didn’t need surgery for now, I was speechless. I don’t like to cry in front of people, so I waited until the drive home. With tears of joy streaming down my face, I told God, “Thank You”. I didn’t know what else to say, but the gratitude I felt that day was tremendous.

And throughout the past 6 months, God has provided for us. This has been a huge lesson for me. I have always worried about finances, but I truly could do nothing but trust God since Aliza has been here. Through friends, family, and people we don’t even know, we have been able to pay our bills despite me not being able to work. Every month since July, it appears that we only have enough to get us through the next couple of weeks. But miraculously, we have been sustained for 6 months! We are so thankful to all of you that have blessed us with prayer, financial support, and emotional support! And we are very thankful to God for being so good to us.

There is so much more I wanted to say, but I don’t know how to put it in words. The past 5 months have been the craziest, scariest, happiest, most joyful time in my entire life. I love being a mommy, and I love having Josh as my parenting partner. He is an amazing daddy!

I just feel so, so incredibly blessed, and even though things are still scary since Aliza isn’t totally out of the woods, I feel more secure in God’s promises than I ever have in my entire life. I am amazed that God uses someone so small and vulnerable to teach me great things.

What a wonderful, indescribable God we serve!